Author: Zhen Zhang Derek
life is a collection of choices after another.
we think, make choices, see results, accumulate experience, and guide the next choice.
is afraid, one day when we look back to see the past day, a year, ten years, look at one of the choices we have made in this life, we will feel regret.
in fact, we are all ordinary people. We are doomed to experience regret. But for different people, the events and factors that trigger regret are different, the ways in which regret is handled, and the consequences may be quite different.
let’s face up to this slightly gloomy topic today:
what are the characteristics of people’s most common regret? Who is more likely to regret that
is complying with his own heart and those who try to satisfy everyone?
in psychology, how to treat regret is a healthy and positive way?
– 01 – what kind of things are most likely to be regretted?
to make a choice first, ~
what do you think is right about the following statements about regret? (can be selected)
(1) work hard to make a thing, when we fail, the closer we are to success, the easier we regret; it is far away from success, but it will not be too bad for
to buy the same goods. It is more likely to regret the two choice of
than in a store that is not refundable. If we choose only one, the more we give up the meaning and value of the option to us, the easier we will be to regret
‘s decision making, the greater our dominion and autonomy, the more we will be responsible for ourselves in the future, and the less it is to regret the
(I suggest you keep thinking for yourself and don’t rush to go down). Have you chosen it? OK, let’s get the answer next.
(1) the closer to success, the easier it is to regret
have you ever been late for work late, or late for school, and if you are late for 5-10 minutes or more, it’s better to be late than only 1 minutes or even 1 seconds late.
“why did I run all the way, or am I late?” I knew I would not run away, and I could not sweat it all. Just five minutes late, even if I came over. Five minutes late and ten minutes late. ” Well, that’s the way it should be at this moment.
this is psychologically speaking “near-miss effect” . In the same way, in sports, the silver medals, compared to the bronze medals, are much harder to suffer, because second of the silver medal are closer to the gold medal! 
SO, in the ballot, the options are… It is the correct ~
after making the choice, the stronger the reversibility, the easier it is to regret
has no choice, people feel deprived of their autonomy, and it’s hard to suffer; but if we can choose too much, we can easily make choice difficulties and not be better.
psychological research shows that if the choice of a choice is irreversible and irrevocable if a choice is selected, we will be better under the option as long as this option does not bring serious negative consequences. 
sounds like “anti human”. Let me show you a chestnut: you have 100 yuan on hand, you can buy two goods A or B, the price of these two things are exactly 100 yuan.
store X and store Y all sell these two commodities, and the price and quality are exactly the same. The only difference is that store X allows consumers to buy back, and the store Y policy is “once sold, no replacement”.
psychological research shows that when you shop at Y store, whether you buy A or B, you regret less likely.
“because I regret it for no reason at all.” Y store customers say with a smile, good life free and easy!
‘s research shows that after buying something that can’t be refundable, as long as it does not bring you a negative impact and trouble, it can also give you practical value, then , as a consumer, will immediately enter “the advantages of looking for it and trying to find a variety of other similar goods.” The cognitive mode “confirmation” (professional term: “bias”).
SO, in the polls above, options… It is also the correct ~
(3) the higher the opportunity cost, the higher the possibility of regret.
life is about resources, time, energy, money and connections. These are the resources we have, and the resources are limited.
in order to clarify this concept, let’s first understand the opportunity cost (opportunity cost) . You take 100 pieces of the ocean to buy the same thing, you lose in fact not this 100 yuan, but if you do not buy such a thing, 100 yuan can buy other things.
a little bit around? Take a chestnut again: after graduating from college, choose to work instead of continuing the study. What you lose is the opportunities for your master’s career, such as the society, the safer and equitable campus environment, the higher education resources on the academic level, the accumulation of graduate school tutors, students and the connections between the alumni and the alumni. Yes…
but you have to say: going to graduate school will also lose the benefits of work! How do you make money in the past few years? Master 3 years, the next study on the more long, so much time I have to go directly to work, perhaps the house and car have started!
is, so that life is the choice again and again, each choice of A, B two options, the choice of A, that B is the advantage of the opportunity cost of A loss, and vice versa.
Psychological research shows that < strong > when people choose among several options, the greater the opportunity cost, the more likely we are to regret and feel pain. 
SO, in the ballot, the option… It is still the correct ~
the greater the autonomy, the more likely to regret
.The point and the point of
are complementary to each other.
when we are making a choice, we have a balance of parents, friends, colleagues, bosses, and even social factors that affect our decision-making process.
< p > < strong > and the greater the proportion of our autonomous components in these factors, the greater the likelihood that we will regret afterwards.
this can be explained both positive and negative. We have to be responsible for the outcome of this choice, if it is a choice that can be made by ourselves. On the contrary, if this choice is done with a great deal of, or even entirely to others, we have the “blame on others and external factors”, and we will not be so painful. .
social and cultural psychologists compared the “love and love regret” phenomenon in the East and West, and found that if the relationship appeared in a relationship, “my lover is not that Mr/Mrs Right” or “I did something wrong, cause breakup, divorce” and so on:
Westerners are more likely to regret their original choices and actions. This is because < strong > Western society advocates the individual and liberalism: What I say and do in love and relationships is my choice. Therefore, once the emotional problems arise, it is oneself who is responsible.
, on the contrary, the Orientals of the advocate collectivism, and , in addition to its own will, is more likely to refer to the values of parents, families and social values (even by these innermost voices). So once you find out that you are not the one you really love, that you are not fit for yourself, that you don’t fit in with the three concepts, that you don’t fit in with the way you think about things… We will not completely blame ourselves, “because it was not my intention to be with TA!”
SO, in the voting above, option 4 is… Erroneous ~
Aye Aye? Wait a minute! It’s not necessarily a complete mistake! Otherwise, is it not the best choice for life to marry or marry a “correct, approved and asked partner” by family members and parents?
The method of < p > < strong > that “divides the responsibility of choice among others and external factors” is actually a defensive mechanism. in the short term, it does serve to protect “self esteem” and “self”, but one day, when you get old and look at life, those who go against their own heart, or never give themselves a chance to explore their heart, will regret and accumulate regret.
– 02 – how hard is it to live a man who violates his voice?
according to the above fourth points, under the oriental culture of our country, is it true that the people who listen to their parents and the right people are home, do they really not regret it?
psychology studies have shown that if you don’t have a clear feeling of dislike, there is no obvious personality defect and personality problem, then after is running in , and after meeting your family’s heart, the marriage can support ,
but if you feel clearly after many contacts that this person is really a bit of a that doesn’t like , or is feeling aversion and resistance to for your lifestyle and possible future family life patterns, you must understand: < strong>, even if you have been able to bear it for a while. You can’t bear it all your life. also, once the family and marriage life begins, the longer the you bear, the higher the cost to return, and the deeper you get into regret.
leader LinkedIn and Forbes (Forbes) have published a global report on the screen. In an Australian hospital with terminal terminal patients, a nurse, Bronnie Ware, at their bedside, recorded some of the more common regrets that these patients had expressed before they died. 
the first and most common regret in life is
I wish I pursued my dreams and aspirations, and not the life, I want to pursue my own dream, listen to my own wishes, not to live according to the expectations of others.
why is this regret so common? Psychologists tell you: it is not only common, but also brings us the most profound pain.
Troy Higgins, a professor of psychology at the Columbia University, the “self-discrepancy theory” (self-discrepancy theory), , can well explain the “regret of a lifetime”.
Higgins believes that all people have three “selves”:
- real self (actual self): in real life, what kind of person I was, what did I do, what I said,
- ideal self (ideal self):
- in ‘s heart should be from me (ought): the world Look forward to my appearance, what I should do, what I say,
People who listen to their hearts will try to define their own lives as close to their ideal selves as possible. On the contrary, another extreme person will bind himself with a bunch of “should”:
parents let me find such a man / girlfriend, as a good worker, I should not have done a half year’s job hopping, education is a knock on the door, so I should read as many books as possible…
research shows that what really hurts us most, affects our longest time, is not the failure of our efforts to achieve the “ideal self”, but we clearly realize the gap between the “actual self” and the “ideal self”, and still remain at the “self” level, waiting for us to wait. , forbearance, and inaction (inaction). 
what is an omission? Let’s look at the 4 points mentioned in the last section:
- has control, so I regret it. omission, as the name suggests, is something that we can clearly accomplish but fail to do. So, obviously, the right to control can let oneself listen to the heart, but choose not to pay attention to, or even to deny his voice.
- selection is still reversible and variable. when many people realize that there is a gap between their “real self” and “ideal self”, it is still possible to make a change and move towards the ideal at this moment. But… The opportunity cost of
- is too high and too high. How many years has passed? Over the years, time, money and energy have become the opportunity cost that you can’t recover.
- is not far from success! many times, as long as we take a brave step, it may be a resignation, a city that has left life for half a lifetime, a relationship that is already used but not true. We have successfully changed ourselves and closer to the ideal self.
also satisfies the regret of these 4 points, and accumulates regret for half a lifetime or even a lifetime. these regrets pile up, dripping stone, is no longer regret, but a lifetime of regret ah!
“the biggest regret in my life is that I am not brave enough to be true to myself.”
< p > < strong > < EM > < strong > < EM > < strong > – 03 – < / strong > < / EM > < / strong > < strong > < strong > regret can have, I hope we do not regret < / strong > < / P >
knows everyone, but why does this regret happen again and again on countless people?
, because family members can avoid scolding and satisfy others, avoiding trouble and criticism. Maintaining the status quo is the least expensive option.
however, these “good” practices, at first glance, can only be for our lives to subtract (subtracted scolding, trouble and criticism), but not for our life to add , our life also lost the opportunity to explore and realize the wish.
In order to avoid the tragedy from “little regret” to “big regret”, we need < strong > attitude < / strong > and < strong > wisdom.
The attitude of
is to acknowledge and confront the calm of failure, and to guard the courage of inner truth before contradictions and doubts. Wisdom is to make use of the little regrets that we have experienced once and for all. To be brave and brave, you can win a hundred wars. 
: allow yourself to regret and screen out uncontrollable factors
attitude > > people are not perfect, the completely no regrets of life, it is estimated only in the virtual game will have, and still hang.
wisdom > > tells herself: there are many factors in your choice that you can’t control yourself, and you will be calm. The life that does not experience regret is incomplete. But that doesn’t mean nonfeasance: you have to keep track of the factors that affect the outcome, and try to predict the possibility that these factors will intervene again the next time.
If you can make predictions by gathering information and logical reasoning, use your own predictions to adjust the next decision. If you find that these factors are completely random and unexpected, let them go. Don’t blame yourself.
to lift a chestnut: you are not easy to plan a trip, the date and schedule are arranged properly, the places you want to do are all written in the schedule, the result… The first step went wrong: bad weather and cancelled flights.
in this case, before reproach yourself “how I didn’t think about the weather reasons”, you need to ask, “is the weather that caused the unusual flight today, can I expect it?”
this change from Why did / didn’t I do this (why I did / didn’t do this) to How can I do this (how I’m going to do it) is not just the attitude, but the way you look at the problem.
ticket was set two months ago. You could not expect a thunderstorm today, and it’s impossible to expect the flight to be cancelled today, so it’s not your fault. It’s not necessary to blame yourself.
but you also know that Plan B is everything. After that, are scheduled hotels, tickets and other journeys scheduled to die? Maybe the next time you plan your trip, it’s smarter not to pack up your time, leave yourself a bit of leeway, and be more calm in the face of flight abnormalities.
(2) make good use of “regret anticipation” to determine the leader of the decision-making process
< p > The next time we make the same or similar choice after one regret, we become particularly cautious and hesitant. This anticipated regret, though accompanied by a certain degree of anxiety, can be helpful if used properly.
attitude > > predicted regret, better than not expected to regret. After all, failure is the mother of success, and the last failure can help us quickly predict the next possible failure, and avoid the expected risks and obstacles.
wisdom > > , but this is a prerequisite. If we do not take the initiative to analyze and summarize the previous failure, failure can only be the mother of failure. What are the specific reasons for the last regret decision, the circumstances, and other factors? Can you make a clear resumption for yourself?
< p > Answer these three questions clearly and compare them with the decision you’re going to make: Will this time affect the decision as much as last time? What is the difference in the environment I am in? What is the reason for the failure of the last choice and is it also established this time?
Another chestnut: You know your uric acid is high, and the doctor tells you never to eat seafood or shake hot pot, or you’ll get gout. As a result, you went out to dinner with your friends last night, and your friends cried out for seafood hot pot! You don’t want to let your friends clean up, go, and eat, although not too much, but second days to wake up or a gout, ankle pain there is dead, have to go to the emergency.
now you regret, “the pain is dead!” TM shouldn’t go to eat seafood hot pot last night!
But such regrets are of no use, not only to relieve the pain of the moment, but also to help you avoid the temptation of the next hot pot and friend party.
actually, environmental factors, especially the social environment of friends and colleagues, have a great impact on us. When the hot pot is in front of you and good friends are eating, it’s hard to continue to resist the good food and be the “unsociable” person.
at this time, you should avoid such an environment and choose not to keep the appointment. You can take the initiative to talk to your friends about your situation. You can’t force you to really care about your friends, and even they will change the place they choose for you.
think carefully: even if you don’t want to take care of you, or at least understand your people, can you still be friends? Then again, to eat hot pot after all is yourself, no one put seafood into your mouth?
so, control the environmental factors (especially those involved), and do not deny their subjective initiative, and you will be the wisest leader in the next decision.
listen to your heart and give yourself a chance.
attitude > > ignore, or even suppress their inner voice, is absolutely not acceptable. You can allow yourself to make some concessions, but the premise of these concessions is to create time, space, and possibility for yourself to pursue the heart, not to begin to live in the mind of others.
know how many people dream of hearing clearly their inner voice. So if you clearly feel what you like and hate, then you must grasp these messages.
wisdom > > what are we going to do this time? Cost and benefit analysis (cost and benefit analysis)? Come on, if you can really analyze the advantages and disadvantages of each option, no one will make the wrong choice, no one will regret it?
Psychologists tell you that what you need most is the ability to identify risks and harms quickly.
this danger and injury are more recent and even immediate considerations. For example, you are completely tired of the work at hand, but your next job is not yet settled. Should you bare your words?
asked himself one of the most crucial questions: is there any food to eat tomorrow? Is there any place to live in?
– if you have more than 3 months of savings, or a reliable friend can provide you with a fallen Bay, that is, “there is no danger and harm at the moment”. Cherish and make good use of these 3 months to actively implement your aspirations and find an outlet for your dreams.
what? You say only 3 months are too short. Is that shortsighted?
wake up! It is because we always have one of the “long – term proposals”, which will lead to real regret and regrets after a long and long term past, isn’t it?
, of course, if you have opened a shared life with an important person, such as being a family and even giving birth to a child, the danger you have to consider is not just yourself, but the harm to those people. The so-called “youth is the chips of life,” that is to say, it is the best time to be brave enough to be true when there is no obstacle.
< p > < strong > < strong > – Written at the end – < / strong > < / strong > < strong > < strong > everything is the best arrangement < / strong > < / strong > < / P >
finally, I want to say: when you have plucked up courage, enough wisdom, and even have paid all to pursue your heart…… It may end up with a failure.
but at least, you have reaped the truth.
this is true, how many people dream of it, do you know?
The so-called life without regrets is not a life without failures and sorrows; it is a life without sorrows and sorrows, but a life without regrets and sorrows.
“I will still make the same choice as then.”
wrote here, I have to mention a person – my mother. My mother is a woman with a very good attitude and wisdom. She always taught me that should “let nature take its course, and everything is the best arrangement”.
just heard this sentence, I can not help but refute: “let nature take its course?” Is everything arranged? So what do I have to do for myself? ”
later I understood what mom meant: This is a sense of human nature and listening to destiny. When you have enough attitude, efforts to accumulate and exert wisdom, leave the rest to God. There are too many things we can’t control in our lives. Success or failure may not be related to you or anyone else.
strive to live, respect the results, and be grateful to the brave, paid, striving self.
only in this way can we really live through it.
References / article reference:
 Medvec VH, Madey SF, & Gilovich T (1995). When less is more:. Ffective forecasting of changeable outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 503. His Study Reveals The 5 Biggest Regrets People Have Before They Die. (2017)
 (2012) Tp://QZ.com (Quartz at Work). A new study on the psychology.
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